What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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