You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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