The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
