Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
