my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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