My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
