WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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