last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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