i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
