I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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