I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
