I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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