I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
