life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
