sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
