Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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