So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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