Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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