I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
