1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he shaved USA in his pubs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
