No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
