you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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