There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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