For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
