I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
