i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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