I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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