WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
