Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
