She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We smell like vodka and hangover
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