that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
