i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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