Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
