Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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