I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
