Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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