my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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