I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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