I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
