i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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