Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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