Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
