No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
