i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i now understand why vodka
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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