He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
