Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
