I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm passing your future prison.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
