The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
