how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
