I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
