I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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