Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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