we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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