Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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