She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
