I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
