the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My balls are so social today.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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